My Blog

Turning 40, Friendships and What I Know for Sure……

05/18/2012 09:54:00

This article is inspired by and dedicated to my amazing friends….

Oprah Winfrey, a woman whom I respect and admire and one of my spiritual mentors, does a column in her magazine every month titled, “What I know for sure....” Here, notable men and women share their truths that inspire and guide them on their life’s journey. Every month I read this column and ask myself if Oprah asked me to write what I know for sure what would I say? After some time I usually shrug my shoulders and give in to the possibility that after 40 years I STILL don’t know anything for sure. But more about that in a minute…

I'm turning 40 this year. At this point in my life I have a pretty good understanding of myself and what makes me tick. Growing up the only girl in a house full of boys was great in the fact it taught me independence, leadership and self-reliance. However, what I didn’t learn or understand very well was the importance of having girlfriends. After all, I didn’t have any sisters. I never understood the close bonding of sisters or girlfriends. Don’t get me wrong, I always had friends, am actually very sensitive and enjoy socializing. But I always felt that I didn’t really need anyone and that girlfriends were nice to have but certainly weren’t a necessity. I didn’t need to lean on anyone and I certainly didn’t need to burden anyone with my problems. And lastly, I thought I should never EVER let anyone in on the secret that I’m not perfect... Come to think of it….maybe I was supposed to be born a BOY!

I was intrigued to read an article in the New York Times about how having friends has a positive effect on your health. A study found that older people with a large circle of friends were 22 percent less likely to die during the study period than those with fewer friends. Harvard researchers reported that strong social ties could promote brain health as we age and the Mayo Clinic sites improved self-worth, reduced stress and better immunity ALL due to having good friendships.

So here’s where I tie this all together….In celebration of turning 40, I am taking a few of my closest friends along on a birthday road trip. No big blow out party for me. It’s not my style. I just wanted to spend quality time with those who are important to me. As I was sitting and thinking about this upcoming celebration it occurred to me that after 40 years I have actually figured out a few things in life that I now DO know for sure. I’ve learned a few important things about friendship and having good girlfriends. So if Oprah were to ask me today what I know for sure here’s what my answer would be:

I know for sure that friends ARE important. I know for sure that friends are what make life fun, joyous and worth the ride. I know for sure the quality of your relationships is MORE important than the specific number of friends you have. I know for sure that it is ok to lean on friends sometimes and ask for their help. I know for sure that it’s ok to show your friends your imperfections because true friends will love you anyway. I know for sure that close friends are worth having that uncomfortable conversation with. I know for sure that it’s ok for friends to disagree but NEVER to disrespect. I know for sure that TRUST and LOYALTY are critical in a friendship. And I know for sure in order to HAVE a good friend you need to BE a good friend.

What I do know for sure is that you should surround yourself with those that make you happy, uplift you and inspire you and TRULY want you to be your best and often will help you get there.

Here’s a tip on evaluating your friendships. Do you come away from that friendship feeling positive, uplifted, inspired and better about yourself? Or do you come away feeling frustrated, confused, or depleted? If the first situation applies count yourself very LUCKY and hold onto that friendship. If the later applies then reevaluate that relationship. It doesn’t necessarily mean they are a bad person. It just means that they may not be good for you at this very moment.

I am truly blessed to be surrounded by an amazing circle of friends. Thru their friendship they make ME a better person. Each of them brings a unique and special quality to my life. Are they perfect? No. But their imperfections allow me to accept my own. Each of them show me in different ways how to be a better friend. They have become the sisters I didn’t have, the teachers I needed and the family I have chosen.

And finally, what I know for sure is that if I were to never make another friend in my lifetime I would be completely content and fulfilled with the community of friends I have now. UNLESS….of course, I meet Oprah.

Finding freedom from our neurotic" inner roomate" and an excerpt from "The Untethered Soul"

05/18/2012 09:46:00

Sometimes my friends will make comments to me like "You have alot of patience. Does anything get you upset?" or "You seem to take most things in stride." My answer to both those questions is "Yes!" Yes, there are plenty of things that get me upset and yes I often take many otherwise frustrating and aggravating situations in stride. What I have learned (and am still continuing to learn) on my spiritual path is to stop, breathe & relax to process the immediate emotions and then remind myself that the feelings I am experiencing are just that.....feelings. They are objects to notice....energies that must be moved throught the body, not held on to. In the big picture they ultimately mean nothing. Does this happen 100% of the time? Uhmmm.....that would be a NO. But does it happen a whole heck of alot more then it used to? Yes. To me, that's progress! I have just finished the book The Untethered Soul" by Michael A. Singer. First, let me say that this is a MUST READ for anyone who wants to learn how to live life with some sort of iinner peace & freedom. It's a guide on how to process your thoughts and emotions and free yourself from the "hamster wheel" of thoughts going on in your head. Now...do I think it's possible to live this way 100% of the time? Uhmmm, again, that would be a NO! Not in the type of culture we live in .Well, maybe for the extremely enlightened soul or a monk living in the mountains of some far away land. But I do believe that we can learn (with alot of practice) to live in a way that allows us to manage situations from the minorly frustrating to the deepest of losses. Like most people, I have experienced both in my life. Most recently it was one of the hardest, most deepest of losses that taught me the most on how to find peace amongst the turmoil. The following is an excerpt from "The Untethered Soul".

"What is means to live spiritually is to not participate in the struggle. It means that the events that happen in the moment belong to the moment. They don't belong to you. They have nothing to do with you. You must stop defining yourself in relationship to them, and just let them come and go. Don't allow events to leave impressions inside of you. If you find yourself thinking about them later on, just let go. ......"When you become truly spiritual, you are totally different from everybody else. That which everybody wants, you don't want. That which everybody else resists, you totally accept...."Why should anything that anyone says or does cause you to get disturbed? You're just on a planet spinning around the middle of absolutely nowhere. You came here to visit for a handful of years and then you're going to leave. How can you live all stress-out over everything? Don't do it.

"You must learn to be comfortable with psychological disturbance. If you mind becomes hyperactive, just watch it. If you heart starts to heat up, let it go through what it must. Try to find the part of you that is capable of noticing that your mind is hyperactive and that your heart is heating up. That part is your way out......" Michael Singer

This is it, my friends! This is the trick, the key, the secret to it all....There is nothing more important on your spiritual quest then realizing that you are NOT your thoughts. YOU are the one who hears it. Singer refers to your thoughts as your "inner roommate." You must learn to make the distinction between you and this inner roommate. You must learn to objectively observe your problems rather then lose yourself in them. The very fact that you can observe your thoughts like objects means that your are NOT them. You can watch yourself get angry, sad, depressed, jealous...be a witness to it all....then breath, relax your muscles and let it go. These thoughts and emotions are only energies that need to be processed. Is it really that simple? Yes, it really is. The hard part is truly committing to the fact that we WANT to be happy.. We say we want to be happy but only if life's circumstances fit our definition of happiness. The question is....Can you make the committment to be happy despite life's circumstances? There's the challenge....will you accept it?

Yoga, Mantras & Taking My Own Advice

08/29/2011 17:20:00

April 21, 2011

I am a good listener. That I know. If I was going on a job interview where the interviewer asks for my top strength & top weakness I would probably choose that as my top strength. (Nevermind the weakness, it would take me too long to choose one!) The advantages of being a good listener is that you can listen to a story without interjecting your own take on the situation and allow a person to unload their chaos & free their nervous system at least temporarily. In my "practice" as a good listener I am sometimes asked for my opinion on a situation. This is something I purposely try to withhold unless specifically asked. Afterall, I certainly do not proclaim to know all the answers. I am on the same path as everyone else, learning how to live with peace & happiness despite life's constant distractions. But sometimes I am pointedly asked how I would deal with a situation. When these conversations arise I find that my "opinions" have become strangely very similar and even a bit repetitious. What's even more surprising is the specifics of each story may be completely different but I keep coming up with the same words of advice. It seems, that unbeknownst to me I have created my own personal "mantra" for dealing in challenging times. What is a mantra? A mantra is defined by Wikipedia as " a sound, syllable, word, or group of words that are considered capable of creating transformation." They are energy based sounds that vibrate through the body and are a powerful way to reduce negative energies and change negative effects. They will allow you to remain focused when your thoughts and emotions are scattered and frantic. "Chanting" a mantra is the process of repeating words or sounds over and over to reach the deepest levels of the soul. The repetitive nature of chanting is felt as vibrations through the body and over time making the intent of the mantra a physical reality.

We often practice mantras in the our yoga classes. "Lokah, Samastah, Sukino, Bhavantu". This translates loosely as "May all beings everywhere be happy & free." This is one of my favorites because its simple and to the point. But mantras can be about anything and everything. It can be as simple as "I am worthy" or "I am happy" or even "I am not my big thighs." Mantras are powerful and using them consistently will bring a shift in your thoughts, actions & energies sometimes without your realizing it. One day you find that you are living & breathing it. It has become automatic. In the past, when angered or frustrated with something or someone I have often reacted like alot of people, allowing my emotions to take hold and spewing out judgements to explain someone "doing me wrong". But after 4 years of a consistant yoga practice, I think I have finally made some progress! Yoga has helped me shift the tensions in my physical body, calming my nervous system allowing me to be less reactive and more present. The yogic principle of Vairagya or "detachment" has taught me to detach from my emotions & feelings in order to evaluate exactly the truth of the situation. The qualities of a yoga practice like flexibility, strength, and focus have over time moved off my mat and into my daily life. Finally, mantras have helped change my thought patterns and internal vibrations to alter years of negative self talk.

So that brings me back to my own personal mantra for dealing with difficult situations and people. This is still an ongoing practice for me. I continue to repeat this over and over again to keep in the forefront of my thoughts and actions. However, I now understand the power of the universe. As I offer my mantra as advice to a friend it is allowing me to continue the chanting process even further embedding this into my soul. Sometimes I do fall back on old habits but now I am faster to recognize when I am being led by accusations and judgements instead of compassion and gratitude and I now look for the lesson in the situation. Finally, I humbly pass on this mantra to all of you with the hopes that you can take it into your life, repeat it in your thoughts, actions and spirit and allow its power to transform you:

"I choose to look at situations & individuals who challenge me the most not as enemies but instead as great teachers purposely put on my path to show me about myself. It is in these difficult interactions that I often learn the greatest life lessons & grow the most. I will remember that these individuals are on their own paths of self-discovery and are being distracted and led astray by their habitual patterns of negative thinking. I will remember as humans we are all connected, coming from one source. I choose to shift my mindset from anger and resentment to that of compassion and empathy. I choose this way of thinking to allow the anger to dissipate making room for peace."

I promise you if you can make this shift in your thinking it will change your life! It is a daily practice that requires discipline and mindfulness but know that the shift will happen, maybe without you even noticing!

Shanti & Namaste:)

"A Daring Rescue" - Title provided by 11 yr old Alex DuBois

08/29/2011 17:10:00

August 29, 2011

Today, Alex & I went for a walk down Grand Street. After being cooped up for a few days due to Hurrican Irene we needed to get out in the sun. On the way back Alex spotted a baby turtle in the middle of the road. It was most likely a casualty from the complete washouts and floodings of all the creeks surrounding the area. It was smack in the middle of the road, frying in the sun, & not moving. Not to be gross but it reminded me of those frogs or salamanders that tried to make it across the road and then didn't and sat there baking in the sun. It wasn't exactly to the point of being completely fried but a few more hours and no doubt that's what would have happened. Alex excitedly said "Let's save it!" To which I answered with "Alex, it looks dead!" Again, it was all dry & not moving. We decided to take a closer look. As we got right over it we noticed its tail slightly moving. Alex insisted WE (as in me) pick it up & move it to the side of road so it didn't get run over. So I picked it up (very squeemishly) and put it in the grass on the side of the road. "At least it wouldn't get run over" I thought. I really thought it was pretty much dead. We left the turtle and continued home. Up the road a while we passed a stream of water running down a ditch in the side of the road which then continued through a drainage pipe. Alex said "Mom, lets go back and get the turtle and bring it to the water. Maybe we can save it!" After a quick discussion about how we would have to walk back & I didn't know if I could find it again in the grass I reluctantly gave in. We started backtracking. After some time going back and forth along the grass we found it. I again, (squeemishly) picked it up and carried it back to the water. I placed it down where it could put its face in and drink but not so much that it would get washed away by the current. At first it didn't do much of anything. I was fully convinced it was pretty much a gonner. Its shell just looked so dried out and it was so still. We decided to use a wet leaf and start wetting the shell. Alex then continued..."Maybe if we put it MORE in the water it will start swimming." My thoughts were exactly the opposite...."If I put it in more of the water, the current will carry it away and it will drown. At this point it still wasn't doing much moving around. But, again, I relented and used the leaf to push it more into the water. Then, I swear, it was like some miracle, that darn thing started moving around! It looked like it was starting to drink and bobbing its head in and out of the water. Then it started crawling very slowly up stream. Then within a few more seconds he started swimming little by little up stream. I know I may get called crazy for this but it actually looked like it was happy and excited that we saved it. It went from looking pretty much dead and dried out to alive and vibrant. We stood and watched this little guy (or girl) start to make its way upstream before we headed home. It was quite a lesson that my son taught me. I am always preaching to him things like "To be a good person is to have compassion for others" & "Never give up" & "try to think positive" but at this moment I wasn't following any of my own advice. I was thinking "I really don't want to touch that thing" and "it is pretty much dead anyway". It was so amazing to see him putting these positive attributes into action and to be so insistant on caring for another being even when his mom really wasn't sharing the same enthusiasm. The rest of the way back home, Alex beemed excitement and pride for what we did together and how we were like "animal rescuers" and how we "saved that turtles life". It was truly infectious! By the time we got back to our driveway I was feeling that same euphoria, almost skipping up the driveway and thinking maybe that little turtle might just have a long and happy life, get married, have little baby turtles.....(A bit much I know.) Thanks, my son, for reminding me that there is no better feeling then stepping out of our comfort zone to help another. And thanks little turtle for providing me the opportunity to share that experience with my son. I hope you make it upstream!

Shanti

Gina